So I'll skip the excuses and the "I'm Sorry"s.  I'm bad at writing....we all know this.

So what's been going on with me?.....I've been working.  Chev is going fine.  I work too much.  I convince myself that I'm working so hard so that I can take a vacation to somewhere hot and sunny.  But I work 60 hours a week, and I'm not getting any closer to that vacation I'm dreaming of.  And of course, with a schedule of 60 work hours a week, my love life has really taken off.  Ha.  I'm working on it....time spent with the guy is a bit of an issue, but we're working on it.

I almost moved out of my house.  The boys have been a bit of a chore lately.  Things were really tense.  So we talked things through, and this time I think it will stick.  So I'm staying, and it feels good to know I dont' have to worry about finding another place.

Aside from all that, I really seriously HAVE NO LIFE.  What I did have was 15 minutes to do an update.  I hope you feel updated.  I know it's probably a lot more boring than you hoped.  Sorry, no excitement here.  Talk to you all again 'not-so-soon' I'm sure.

sam

I have been trying for weeks to write the perfect song.  A lament if you will.  I've been trying to express every ache of my heart, and the loss I feel with every tear that leaves my cheek.  Then I realised....it was already written.  Thanks a lot to Beth Orton... (bitch).  Ya, one day I'll learn this song and I'll play it for 'him'.  Maybe I'll just let Beth do the honors - she'd do it better anyways... (bitch).  Well, enjoy!

Feel to Believe

You lose it just to find it

And as you walk right by it

You forget how you got there

And why you never meant to stay

And I won’t watch you waste away

And I won’t fake another day

And if one truth leads you to find

I still don’t believe in your reasons why

I just don’t believe in why

You love her, you need her

To feel is to believe her

You know it, you want it

You just can’t believe you’ve got it

And I won’t watch you waste away

But I won’t beg you still to stay

And if one truth leads you to find

I still don’t believe in your reasons why

I just don’t believe in why

I couldn’t watch you walk away

And not forget it

I couldn’t watch you turn to stone

And just regret a single day, not a single day

If I lose you could you find me,

or would you walk right by me

The soul and the spirit each have got their own limit

And I can’t waste another second

Living in hell like it’s some kind of heaven

And if one truth leads to another

Then isn’t there one I can uncover

there isn’t one that I will not discover

Well it’s my time…it’s the right time

It’s my time…it’s the right time

It’s my time to discover

And I won’t waste a single second

Living in hell like it’s some kind of heaven

And if one truth leads to another

Then isn’t there one I can uncover

Well it's our time...it's the right time

It's our time...it's the right time

It's our time to discover

And if one truth leads to another

Then isn't there one we can uncover

Isn't there one we can discover

HOW DO I FEEL?

WELL, HE'S ON MY MIND AND IN MY THOUGHTS.  I TRY TO THINK ABOUT WHAT THINGS WOULD BE LIKE WITHOUT HIM, BUT I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.  I THINK ABOUT BEFORE I KNEW HIM.  I WAS SURVIVING THEN, BUT I HAD NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO - NOTHING TO HOLD ON TO.  IT'S WEIRD THAT I CAN FEEL FO SULL WITH LIFE AND WITH POSSIBILITY AND ANTICIPATION, BUT FEEL SO EMPTY AT THE SAME TIME.  I GUESS IT'S BECAUSE I'M ALONE IN MY THOUGHTS.  I WISH HE WOULD SHARE HIS....OR MAYBE I DON'T.  SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  MAYBE I COME SHORT OF EXPECTATION AND I FEEL INADEQUATE AND DISAPPOINTING; LACKING IN SOME WAY.  SOMETIMES I GET EMBARRASSED WHEN HE LOOKS AT ME, AND SOMETIMES, WHEN HE LOOKS AT ME, IT'S ALL I NEED IN THIS WORLD.

WHAT DO I WANT?

IS THIS A LIST?  OR DO I HAVE TO STAY ON TOPIC?  WHAT IS THE TOPIC?  OK, SO, I WANT WORLD PEACE.  HA!  I WANT TO BE AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD.  WHEN YOU'RE FACED WITH GREAT LOVE, MENIAL CONFLICTS - EVERYDAY CONFLICTS WITH WORLD - SEEM SO...MENIAL.  LIFE IS MORE THAN THAT.  I WANT PEACE.  IN THE LITTLE THINGS, IN GREATER THINGS....PERFECT PEACE.

I WANT TO SEE HEALTH AND HAPPINESS FOR EVERY ONE IN MY FAMILY.  THEY HAVE TOILED SO MUCH AND IT'S TIME THAT THEY EXPERIENCED HEALTH AND HAPPINESS AND PROSPERITY IN EVERY AREA OF LIFE.

I WANT TO BE A TANGIBLE AND EFFECTIVE HELP TO MY PARENTS.  THEY SURPRISED ME IN LIFE BY GIVING ME MORE THAN I EVER NEEDED.  I WAS ALWAYS FED AND CLOTHED, BUT MORE THAN THAT, I WAS GIVEN LIFE GUIDANCE AND A STRONG SPIRITUAL EXAMPLE.  I AM ALWAYS SO PRU\OUD AND HONORED WHEN I AM TOLD I HAVE MY FATHER'S DETERMINATION AND VISION, MY MOTHER'S GRACE AND CHARACTER.  THEY HAVE NEVER FAILED IN BEING LIVING EXAMPLES OF THE PERSON I AM TO BE.  THEY HAVE GIVEN IT ALL TO ME AND I COULDN'T LIVE ENOUGH DAYS ON THIS EARTH TO REPAY THEM. 

FOR MY FRIENDS I WANT UNITY AND LOVE WITHIN THEIR FAMILIES AND I KNOW ONE DAY SOON I WILL BE ABLE TO WITNESS THE ACHEIVEMENT OF ALL THEIR HARD WORK AND SACRIFICE.  THEY HAVE LIVED OUTSIDE OF COMFORT BECAUSE THEY HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO LIVE OUTWARDLY, WHAT WAS WITHIN.  THEIR SACRIFICES TODAY WILL CHANGE THEIR FUTURES.

FOR MYSELF I WANT WHAT I NEED - HEALTH....I'VE NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING THAT YOU WOULD RETURN TO ME.  AMBITION, BY DEFINITION - MY ASPIRATIONS AND DREAMS....I HAVE LET MYSELF BE CRIPPLED BY MY CIRCUMSTANCES FOR TOO LONG.  VISION....TO LET ME SEE EVERYTHING I'VE BEEN BLIND TO, AND TO SEE BEYOND MY OWN EXPECTATIONS TO THINGS GREATER.  PEACE....I MAY BE REPEATING MYSELF HERE, BUT I REALLY NEED SOME PEACE, IN ALL AREAS.  INSPIRATION....TO COME FROM THE MOST UNEXPECTED OF PLACES.   AND TOMORROW.....I NEED TOMORROW TO FINALLY COME.

I NEED SOMEONE IN MY LIFE TO LOVE.  FOR SO MANY YEARS I THOUGHT I KNEW HIM, I THOUGHT I LOVED HIM.  BUT NOW, FINALLY, I SEE YOU.  (IT'S YOU.....I WANT YOU)

ya, that's me...i'm full of empty promises.  i always say i'm going to get on top of things and make more entries, but instead of always promising and committing myself to do better i'm just going to come out and say it.  i know you're all thinking it.

I"M REALLY REALLY BAD AT THIS STUFF!

sorry to one and all (if there IS more than one person checking my journal - ya, carlie, i know you love me)

I'm really busy.  I'm hardly every home.  But i'm doing ok.  nothing major going on.  you should be thanking me that i never write in here - i have nothing to write about.  if I did write it would be crazy boring.

life is still on hold.  i'm in the middle of a law suit.  and 'in the middle' means it's been 2.5 years so far and it feels like it's going to be another 2.5!  Not for real, but i may settle by next fall.....so i wait.

other than that, i'm just living - day by day, whatever comes..comes.  so that's it for now.  i have to be up early so i'll go.

peace out yo

I think it has been determined by now.....I'm bad at journalling.  It may go back to the time my sister read three whole journals I kept hidden in my room, and proceeded to write a 6 page 'response' to what I had written.  I don't think I've been to caught up with journals since then.  But the point of THIS one is for people to read it...hmmm.

Myabe if I had a more interesting life I would have things to write about and for you all the read about.  I've got a bit of an unidentified  rash....that's all really.  I wish I had more for ya. 

I'm kidding.  This is my official entry to let y'all know that I'm back.  Back with a vengance!  It's been long enough that I've written, I've got a least a couple entries worth of stuff to say.  So, I'll be back!

ten  four  good buddy

That says it...it's been too long. I can hear everybodies reantings re my lack of communicado .  Well ZIP IT!   I'm exhausted DUDES.  Right POOPed.  I'm so exhaused I could vomit...one sec...I think I need to-.......ya.

Had a party......you know me.   It was good, for what I was present for....the first half hour.  Then a friend showed up, and, well, I missed the rest of the festivities. (that's us rolling around....hahaha) jk.  For once I missed a party and it wasn't because of boozin.

I have nothing exciting to report.  My life consists of nothing but work and...well that's all.  I took a vacation - it was cut short.  I got tickets to see Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers live at the Gorge - the show starts in an hour.  Ya, I'm 4 hours away.  My life sucks.  Whatev.

The weather outside is frightful , but the fire is so delightful

I have a fireplace that we don't use, but fill with candles, and it looks just GLORIOUS  when it's all lit up, and it gives off decent heat too!  The weather here has been so pitiful  lately, but oddly enough, it has put me in a very melancholy, but ARTISTIC , mood.  So, I think tonight is the big night.  I'm going to turn the lights down low, put on some....well, we'll see, on....pour myself a large glass of wine , light the fire, and turn my thoughts to what inspires.

Small set-back though.....  I'll shed one tear..... Today, my shoulder and back is really bad.  Today the TOC has got the best of me.  Wow, I should rap!   I don't talk in my web-journal about my accident and the injuries that I have from it much...or ever, other than saying I'm having a shitty day.  I vent now and then, but I don't think I've ever really talked about it much.  So most people probably have no idea what TOC is, or even that I have anything wrong with me.  TOC (Thorasic Outlet Syndrome), it's a nerve problem.  I've got a bad case of it, following a car accident from 2 years ago.   A nerve (thorasic outlet) in my shoulder and neck will begin to lose ability to transmit information/feeling, but not completely.  I think it's the partial transmition which causes an electric  feeling in my cheeks and mouth.  Very, very, very,           painful....uncomfortable...distracting...painful....  One of my many problems. 

There, I whined.  lol.

So, I hope tonight turns out to be the night I need it to be.....candles, music, wine, sparks flying.....oh wait.   I was thinking of something entirely different...nudge nudge.   I'll try to expand my artistic horizons and paint something other than a nude (ya, right..  .  I'll try.  I swear, I just ain't good at anything else!  Well, good night to all.

sam

I sleep just to dream him,  beg the night just to see him, that my only love should be him, just to lie in his arms.

I stood  there just to find out, find out he made up his mind, my arms are all tied up, to me he was blind.

It seems so unnerving, still somehow so deserving, that he could hold my heart so tightly and still not see me here

I know I'll miss him later, wish I could bend my love to hate him, wish I could be his creator, to be the light in his eyes.

Tonight, my heart feels a lot of things, and in some ways, I think, feels nothing.  Above is excerps (adjusted to suit) from a song by Dave Matthews.  This is one piece that speaks volumes about how I feel right now.  Every last word. 

Tomorrow will be different, I guess we can always count on that to some degree.  My heart right now feels devastated......it'll pass.  It's not nearly as bad as I have the potential to make it sound.  It's not nearly as bad as all the tears will tell you.  Love is like that. 

Never thought I would feel these things again.  Sort of hoped I wouldn't.....sort of hoped I would...

Ya, ok, whatev.  This is how I feel right now.  I am going to get off my lazy ass in a few, and make a delicious dinner for one.  Home grown falafels....that's right....you heard me.  Yum.

I'm a freakin genius in the kitchen.  Why haven't I got me a man?  I guess it's cause....well, to be honest, I don't really know.  haha.  Ok, I'm just jerking your chain.  You think I have something to say right now, but I don't.  My mind is mush.  I have been working and not sleeping and working some more.  And I have to get up and work some more soon.  So I should go.  I have to go to work soon.  I said that. 

Ok, Sam.  

  So, it's off to PUERTO VALLARTA for me!

I was on the Sunshine Coast this past couple of days, for the fourth time in the last couple of years, trying to pin down  my estranged uncle.  He just happens to be my favorite uncle.  Let's see....the last time I saw him would have been when I was two or three,  and I was looking at him through a plexiglass window at a prison. That's right folks, he was in the  (that's a big house for those who can't figure it out!)  LOL!  My uncle Brian is really not such a bad guy.  i think that was his last visit to the big house....He did stop by to say hello once more, but I was supposed to be in bed so I sat upstairs and listened to him talk, then listened to him leave.  My uncle disappeared for years.  My mom never knew what happened to him, but I always remeber the day I sat staring at him through that glass.  And the cheezy 'hand-on-the-glass' moment we shared.  Growing up I always wondered where he was, always wondered if he was still alive, in prison, into drugs, living on  the streets, who knows. 

God spoke to me in a dream one night.  It was totally a visitation.  Amazing!  And from it all, I knew that my uncle Brian was alive, and that he was living a straight edge life, and that everything was ok.  Ever since then I have been trying to find him.    It was found out a couple of years ago that he was living on the Sunshine Coast in Gibsons, where me and my siblings were born.  He was running a business there and travelling back and forth to Mexico every so often.   So every so often I would hop a ferry up the coast and try to see my uncle.  Unfortunately, every time I would go to see him, he would be on another one of his timely trips to Mexico!   Four times I have gone now! And four times I have NOT seen my uncle!  I can't even begin to say how much this upsets me!  I can't even begin to say how much it means to me to establish this relationship!   Uncle Brian is my mom's little brother - her favorite brother - her closest sibling.  She recently told me that she understands why I've had such a strong bond to him even though I have grown up not really knowing him.  She says that I remind her of him.  I act just like him.  I look like him.  My attitude, my eyes, expressions in my eyes, my personality - I remind her a lot of him. 

It was sort of nice in a way to have that conversation with my mom.  She was missing her brother and missing me, of course.  But to get a small glimpse of her brother, you know, the memories and the times that she shared with him and missed so much.  I think it was nice for her.

Long story not quite so long....I'm leaving on a jet plane....I was just on the coast, as I mentioned, and yet again my uncle was not there.  It turns out he has packed his bags  and moved on down to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  So, my friends, I suppose my next move is to save my money  and buy myself a ticket to find my uncle Brian.  I am determined.  And I know I can find him.  I did find a guy who knows him and he told me about a bar in 'Old Town' called 'Endele's'.  The owner there knows my uncle and can tell me where to find him.  That is, if my uncle isn't at the bar already!

sam

 Weehoo! 

Again, with my theme of NO REGRETS!  A guy came into the station that I work at tonight with a wicked  tattoo on his arm (Happy Tattoo Week by the way   .  It read 'No Regrets.  It looked really cool. it made me think.  Something I've been doing a lot of lately.

Everything everywhere is causing me to reflect and to look ahead.  Oh piss on it.  You know, I feel like I could really put together some good things to say, but I have better ways to go about doing it.  I've been meaning to pick up my guitar and put out a song that I've been thinking of, so forget this for now.  You can just wait a tad more and I'll post the lyrics to a song in a bit.  then you can buy the cd a while after. haha! 

Be well all. 

sam

That alone is worth a million laughs!   I turn my computer on the next day with one of my roommates sitting on my bed looking over my shoulder  and I see it.  Not really what I expect.....not really what I remember.....but get a few in you and WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?!?!  The Next few seconds I try to remain calm and collected, which involves nothing more than hitting the stupid  in the top corner!    How aweful!  But seriously, it was such a great night!  If I knew how to post pictures I would post a couple.  How'bout this.....I get someone to show me how...then I post 'em!  Yay!  We're ALL winners!    Ok, ok.  I think I'm done.  Shout out to my momma and my papa.  They're kickin' about right now.  In from Uganda.  Chillin like a villian.  Give 'em money - they help people.  Peace out yo.

sam

Scene.    You'll find me crouching behind a shrub,  or hidden in the back of my truck....lerking in the shadows....awaiting the blessed time that I observe the sons'o'bi*@# that break into  and vandalize the vehicles in front of my house (including my new, Vancouver-virginal truck).  That's right folks!  The night I got home from out-of-town, my roommates sister's truck was the target - everything stolen in the middle of the night.  Completely devastating.  The following night, while we slept, someone turned my non-removable faceplate into a a removable one, then left it sitting there on the front seat. 

All sorts of RAGE.  Pick a foul word - just off the top of your head...or be creative...either way, I bet you I've said 'it', and worse,  in the last 24 hours.     I spoke with the police about the crime issues in this area.  Vandalism is a regular occurence.  Content theft is next in line.  Every one of the 6 vehicles (both in my house and the next door neighbors Jen and Jobie) has been either vandalized or broken into in the past two months. 

I had nothing stolen, just broken, but the feeling in the pit of your gut when someone violates you in this way is one I could do without.  I feel helpless and I feel vulnerable.   But i got one thing to say.  When I catch these little buggers.........that's all I gotta say.   They better put one foot in front of the other..........and they better do it faster than me,, cause I'm pissed.

been a slice!

 Happy St. Paddy's Day!, to one and to all!

This is definately one of my favorite nights of the year to go out!  Sadly, I'll be working until 10pm.  Still, the night's young, you think....well....you're right.  St. Paddys Day in Vancouver is quite an event for many.   People go crazy over this holiday...heck, people go green!   Pubs fill up with hoards of partiers!  All to get their pints of Guinness, get real roudy and drink until the wee hours.  I can't believe I'm going to miss it this year!  Line ups start at 6 or 7pm, and pubs are at capacity by 8pm at the lastest.  Crazy Vancouverites.....

So I've been getting some flack lately because I don't keep my journal updated and I never say what's going on.  So here it goes...nothing's going on.  Sorry, had to do it!  Things are ok.  I'm working, and that's going fine.  I'm not at my dream job of course, but sometimes we have to take the shitty hand that we're dealt!  So I'm working at the Town Pump.  No, not AS the Town Pump!  You sickos!   Either way it's fine, and I'm doing what I can with what I'm given.  I'm still recovering from the car accident I was in almost 2 years ago.  I've always known that things take time to heal, I just never would have thought it would take this long.  I have ok days, and then there's the 'really really NOT ok' days.  Ya, cry me a river, hey.  Haha. 

Still haven't found meeself a man.   Maybe a , or a , or a  (nudge nudge), heck, I'd even settle for a , or a .  Goodness knows I've been with a  or two in my day.  Someday, somehow, my  in shining armor with come.....

Anyways, I don't know what else it is exactly that you people want to know....so please, let ME know.  I hope this has been ok for you for now.  Be in touch soon.

sam

Have a Guinness or four for me.....

Just as I left him - Bon (off Broadway) is alive and kicking....and serving the most deliciously greasy breakfast ever!  Coming home has so many wonderful perks.  I had some drinks last night with my rommie Jena.  We walked and talked and laughed...played Speed.    It was great!  Getting back to work is nice too, in a weird sort of way.    Jen and Jobie and the kidlets are home, and it's nice to see them.  I got to have a chat last night with my brother.  That was nice.....

Things are getting back to full swing.  I'll be going this week to a gym/rehab center to get myself into a good program - workout program, not an addictions program (for all those who are saying  'it's about time!'.  Keep it to yourself!  haha! 

Anyways, I just wanted to say a quick hello.  It's good to be back at home.  Talk to y'all soon.

sam